An Attitude of Gratitude!

I first came through the doors of Nar-Anon in a desperate state. A single parent caring for a son with heavy poly-drug addiction and severe mental illness (schizophrenia and obsessive-compulsive disorder), I could see no future for my son or myself than an ever-worsening continuation of what we had been experiencing. My son's mental illness was probably caused, and undoubtedly exacerbated by his drug use, but since he refused to acknowledge this and was unable or unwilling to stop using, his illness continued to worsen, and a clear diagnosis and effective treatment were impossible. Not only did his condition make him an invalid needing constant care, but he was abusive, violent and frequently expressing bizarre and suicidal thoughts. He demanded constant attention, wanting endlessly to talk and ruminate about his problems .

I came to see that unless I did something to change the situation, it would inevitably get worse. It was hard to imagine how the nightmare would end.

Severely depressed and with my physical health starting to fail, I began going to Nar-Anon meetings.

Being told that I could not control my son's addiction (Step 1) was a bitter pill to swallow. But I came to realise that, not only was it true, but incredibly freeing. I saw that for years I had been expending all my energy trying to do the impossible. I began to understand that I could not  be responsible for another's behaviour.

The next lesson I learnt followed from the first. Since it was not me that had responsibility for my son's addiction and drug-taking, it must be that he did. Only he could decide whether to use or not, and furthermore, by trying to take responsibility for him I was actually taking away from his ability to do so for himself. Slowly I learnt to let go with love.

To-day my son's condition is vastly improved and he is beginning to live independently.

My life has been transformed. I have moved far beyond simply resolving the crisis with my son. The things I have learned in Nar-Anon have set me on a path of healing and self-discovery that has already made me happier and more fulfilled than ever before, more than I could have believed possible for me. I have an amazing sense of spiritual awakening (it was as though my spirit had died before) and, after many years of being alone I will soon be marrying a wonderful woman who is on a similar journey (we met at Nar-Anon!).

It is a cliche that one can come to be grateful to the addict, but in my case it was definitely the addict and the crisis he brought me to that precipitated change. I am grateful to my son AND Nar-Anon!

-Dave, Springwood group.

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Hi, my name is T.

I am addicted to an addict. I believe I have a disease & this is affecting the whole family.

Sometimes I can’t control my anger, depression, moods, crying, pain & guilt. I usually take all this out on those closest to me including the addict in my life.

I really try to detach from the addict, this person I am addicted to whom I love unconditionally as they too have a disease which effects the whole family.

I have an uncontrollable compulsion to help my addict. I give money, food, smokes, lend my car or give lifts, lie for, pay fines for & take over responsibilities for. These are just some of the crazy things I do when my disease takes over. I also make promises, then break them (usually to myself). I try to reason with logic but seem to be speaking a different language. I am unreliable & expect my life to be normal. I can’t live a normal life with my disease, but I don’t want to let this disease ruin & destroy everything I have worked hard to get over the years. If I let it, it will break up relationships, families, marriages & even friendships. It will interfere with my work too.

Sometimes I can go for a day & feel good & want my life back so badly I decide I am going to do something about it, to get help. Until unexpectedly my compulsion to get involved with the addict's life & problems takes me over without a second thought. 

It's then I go back to my first step. I am powerless over Addicts (in recovery or not) Drugs, Alcohol, People, Places & Things. My life is unmanageable.

I am an addict. I have been in recovery for 12 months. I am free from enabling my addict for 2 days. I was going to give my addict $2 to put with his $10 to buy smokes, but I didn’t & I don’t feel guilty about it at all.

I have come along way & I have faith in my recovery.
Just for Today I choose not to enable.

Thanks for listening.

(I wrote this when my Addict had been in yet another Rehab & when his time was up he went back out on the streets. He has since got himself clean & has been for about 5 months. My Addict has now found drinking alcohol takes ""the edge off"". I continue to attend my meeting, work the steps & try to find serenity even if this person I love is still battling. Without Naranon I wouldn't have the strength I have today. Thanks again.).

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An unexpected source of help

Recently my wife and I (both retired) received some unexpected help from the NSW Police in our area.

We have lived with a drug (speed) addicted son of 27 years for over 3 years now, and have put up with all the usual traumas that we all know only too well by now. Our son had refused to leave home when asked, and had said "make me" . On recent occasions we have both felt quite concerned, when our drug addicted son threatened physical violence.

On calling around to our local Police Station in Charlestown, we spent a most reassuring hour or so with a female Senior Sergeant. She advised us that we did not have to put up with the antics of our son, and needed to have some quality back into our lives. She suggested we explain to our son that we had to been to the Police and ask him to leave by a certain day.

If he didn't go we were to ring the Police who would call and ask our son to leave.
He would be told he was trespassing and if he did not leave would be arrested and taken away and charged. The Police would arrange if required to issue an order requiring him to stay away .

Our son did go by the appointed day but then returned some weeks later. 
Subsequently we had to call the Police who evicted him. He returned his house keys in their presence and was told of the conditions under which he might call at our house .
There is still a long way to go but we do at least have our home back to our selves, can get a good night's sleep and after living in our retirement villa for over five years we now have a "sun" room instead of a "son" room!

We still take one day at a time and are most grateful for the help we received from a most unexpected source.
We trust this might be of some help to others in a similar predicament.

- A grateful member.

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"BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD"

Hi my name is Anne.

I found Naranon just over 12months ago. Ironically it was my addict who put me onto the program. For this I will be eternally grateful to her. She had been attending NA herself for a couple of months and even though it was a day to day struggle for her she was finally beginning to help herself and after being in the program myself now I have come to realize it was because of two key reasons;

1. Because she wanted help. She wanted to be there.
2. We (my husband & I) had made a conscious decision to stop enabling her.

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"Devastated and heart-broken"

I met my addict 9 months ago and i thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me. He had everything i'd ever wanted in a man, Crazy sense of humour, piercings, same fun loving nature and as our relationship grew i realised he was everything sexually as well. from the moment we got together is was a disaster. I fell pregnant pretty much straight away and 2 weeks later lost it, ironically the same day his ex-wife gave birth 2 his youngest son! I learned 2 deal with the day to day mood swings and requests but 6 months into our relationship, around xmas time, he cheated on me with anothe addict from his fellowship. I gave him the benefit of my doubt and spent the next 3 months trying 2 patch up what had been done. i'm now seperated from him and he is still with his addict girlfriend in my house and bed! im left devestated and heart-broken. is this normal? what do i do now? any suggestions r gr8tly appreciated.

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Re: "Devastated and heart-broken"

What I am about to share comes from my experience, reading, and a lot of listening to other Nar-Anon members.

For the addict, reality is optional.  Whenever life becomes uncomfortable, the addict will reach for a drug, a drink, or some other way of opting out.  There is always a  reluctance to confront difficult situations, follow things through  to the end,  to take responsibility for themselves. That is why their lives often have a "soap opera" feel to them, and why they so often seem to be plagued by "bad luck".

There is only one area of their life that the committed addict really cares about,  that is, their drugs.  The obtaining, using, maintaining supply of drugs, and other related issues like getting  money for drugs, and making and maintaining drug contacts, are the addict's first priority.  Everything else, including their relationships with other people, is secondary.

One exception to this is if another person can be of use to them in some way, such as by supplying them with money, drugs, food, sex, accommodation or other needs that will make it easier or more comfortable for them to carry on drugging (to "enable" their activities).  Such a person is called an "enabler".  Most addicts are capable of becoming very charming and seductive when they sense the opportunity  to snare an enabler.  Many of us in Nar-Anon have gone through the stage of being enablers.

Although at first you might think that your relationship with the addict is wonderful, this cannot last, because the relationship is fundamentally an exploitative one.  Eventually you will start to realise that you are being used, and that the charm is beginning to wear off.  You might think you love the addict, but a relationship of inequality (where one partner is being exploited by the other) is not a relationship of love.  You are probably mistaking pity or sex or emotional dependency or a desire to "fix" the addict's problems for love, or hoping to recapture the first feelings of the relationship when the addict was still trying to get you in.  It is not possible to have a genuinely loving relationship with an active addict because you will always be secondary to their first love (drugs), and because you are trying to relate to the drugs, not the person.

It might sound from this that I hate addicts.  Not so.  I understand that the addict has a disease, a kind of mental illness, that makes them narcissistic and unable to relate normally.  This affects everything from their intimate relationships, to their relationship with the whole of society, as well as their relationship with themselves.  I know that at some level every addict is a good and worthwhile person - some of the most thoughtful and spiritual people I have met have been recovering addicts.  But at the same time I realise the dangers to myself of being emotionally involved with an active addict.

You cannot "cure" or change an addict, or even convince an addict to change.  Fundamentally the addict must take responsibility for their own life.  You cannot do that for them.  The more you enable the addict, the less he is able to take responsibility for himself.  Once the addict has really decided to take responsibility for his own life, the rest will follow.

It is clear that  being emotionally involved  with an active addict places you in great emotional jeopardy.  It is crazy to think that it is OK to allow your sanity or happiness to depend on the mad, erratic behaviour of such a person,  moreover, a person who does not have your best interests at heart.

So what do you do if you love such a person?

I urge you to join a Nar-Anon group as soon as possible and to work the program.  Listen (we have a saying: "take the cotton wool out of your ears and put it in your mouth"!) read the literature, and work the steps.  The way the Nar-Anon program works is by helping us to change ourselves, it is not concerned with trying to change the addict.    

"Peace...it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."
-Buddhist proverb.

I hope this has given you some new information, or maybe a different way of looking at it that is helpful.

-Dave

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A story of recovery into sanity and serenity.

I am a 25 year old mother of a 7 year old girl and mother to my 15 year old brother.

My drug users are my mother, my grandmother, sister and uncle. All in their own way have affected my life. 

I have grown up looking after myself and my mother. She is a manipulative, lying, abusing, self-absorbed etc. person yet I still kept getting dragged into her web of lies and deceit. I have looked after her since I can remember and apparently before I can remember. I have cleaned up her houses that she has run away from. I have paid  her bills. I have "lent" her money and taken in her son as my own. I have paid for airfares to get her to rehab centres. She has just not turned up. Yet through all this she does not appreciate what I have done and continues to try and suck the life out of me. She calls me with verbal abuse if I say I cannot give her the money she wants, she blames me for the way her life is and uses me like I was just another person she wants to destroy.

My grand-mother went to jail at the age of 60 for dealing drugs and still has not stopped using or dealing. I no longer have any contact with her and feel that is for the best. She came to my wedding recently but her eyes were vacant.

My uncle came to stay with me for a week because I could not say no at the time. He was not the perfect house guest and abused my kind gesture.

My sister is in denial and says that she does not use drugs but it is plain and obvious that she does. I see her spiralling down the same way that mum has and in doing that she has dragged me into her web. I lend her money, she calls me and says she is about to kill herself and then turns her phone off while I run around in a panic calling police and friends trying to track her down. Days later she sends me messages saying "Hi, How are you" as though nothing has happened.

I grew up in a small country town called Nimbin where someone over dosing in the local toilet was the norm.

I say all this as though these people (my family) are the burden on my life and I suppose yes they are. I used to feel like they had caused me a lot of pain and chaos, but I have since realised that they were not really the ones causing the chaos in my life. I was the one who would race around to solve my mothers problems. I was the one who panicked at my sisters multiple fake phone calls about suicide. I was the one who allowed my uncle in my house and I was the one who visited my grandmother in jail.

What I am trying to say is that 2 weeks ago my mother called abusing my brother about me. I saw the pain wash over his face. I saw the tears in his eyes as his "mother" spoke about me with such disgust and I decided that the most important people in my life are myself, my daughter, my husband and my brother. I wrote my mother an email which I have included here...

Email sent to my Mother.

Okay,

This is what I have to say!! 
You will probably get angry with this email but I am over caring.

What you did yesterday is what you always do. You are selfish. Its all about what you want not about what is actually happening in reality.
K. was at MY house using MY phone we had guests over that had come to have a birthday cake with him and because you had been trying to contact him I said give your Mother a call. Its a portable phone that he could have left the room, as I said we were in MY loungeroom. There was 5 people at least. K. spoke to you for a while with silence but unfortunately you can only ask guests to be quite for so long. Dinner was being served and we asked K. to get off the phone and call you when he got home. It is not my problem that he didnt want to call you when he got home so he didn't tell you that part.
Before you go off all half cocked and get all emotional you should remember that although you are not here " LIFE GOES ON ".  What right do you have to yell hysterically into K.'s ear about me? He stormed off after your phone call and I had to calm him down and get him to come back for his cake.

All I can say to you is that I understand that you wanted to speak to your son on his birthday, but I think that I let you do that.
I dont care if you saved your last $4.00 to call. You always manage to find a way to call me when you want Money!!
AND that brings me to what I have to say.... YES I do have a massive problem with you. My problem is you have no memory. you dont care that in the last 3-4 years I have spent an unknown amount of money helping you.. airfares, phone bills, rent etc. Not to mention cleaning your house and listening to your hysterics. I cannot remember the last time you called me just to say hello or find out how your grand daughter is going at school. 
You know what no matter what you have ever said or done I have always said that you were a good mother and now I am saying to you that you dont have a clue what that means.

How dare you yell shit about me to my brother who I with the help of my husband guide through his teenage years. Your son as you so grandly put it last night is doing GREAT, and not because you call yourself a good mum. I have never once in all these years been as mad as I am now, even when I have NO Money and you still put pressure on me for some.

How about you start to respect me. I am sick of both you and M. chucking your mental tantrums and I am always the one you both direct it at.

I want you to wake up to yourself and realise that life isn't all about you. You are always saying why doesn't my family like me, why wont they talk to me. Well maybe its time you looked at yourself and realised that maybe it is something that you are doing.

You know what I DONT CARE, what you do to yourself, I dont even care that you lie to me and everyone else and say you dont use drugs, because that doesnt hurt me. But I DO CARE, when you call me up asking for money and I say no and you get upset and make me feel guilty and I DO Care when you call up hysterical saying whatever you want about me and my family.

You know what, you are a drug user, you may say that you don't take Heroin anymore but you smoke marijuana, you take prescription drugs like they are going out of fashion. You take the same drugs as people who have cancer and you mix them. Dont treat me like I am a fool, I have tried to help you so many times to stop taking these things and repeatedly you have chosen drugs over your children. I have nothing more to say to you except - do not contact me. I want nothing more to do with you. I dont want my daughter to ever know you and I refuse to have you use me anymore.
DO NOT abuse me to K. because he will resent you for that. Try and have the decency to talk to your son about him and not yourself for once.
I hope you can sleep at night knowing that you have finally pushed me to this point, but I am sure that you will because you have a way of turning things around so that you can justify what you do and blame everyone else.
I wont bother saying good luck with your life because you have a plan already, wake up, go to doctors, take drugs, go back to sleep.

Laura


I feel that I have finally said what I have been bottling up inside for so long. Yes I feel guilty for sending it. Yes I feel scared that I now have no contact with her and don't know if she is alive. But I do not have the daily abuse. I do not have the fear of answering the phone. I feel refreshed. I have finally made steps to finding out how I can help others in my situation.
I think I will always feel pain, anger and many emotions towards my family and probably on a mental level will always be scarred. I am writing this in the hope that someone in my situation may read it and feel some sort of connection to what I am saying and maybe feel they are not alone.

Thank You

Note: to maintain the anonymity of family members in the above story, their full names have been omitted.

-Webmaster.  

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Help, please!

HEY, I'M IN LOVE WITH AN ADDICT.  I DON'T KNOW  WHAT TO DO TO.  I RECENTLY HAD A CHILD AND THE BIRTH WAS GOOD THANKFULLY.  I'VE BEEN AN AA MEMBER 4 OR 5 YEARS, SO I KNOW THE GAME AND ALL ITS TRICKS.  I NEED SOME RESPONSES ON WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE HUBBY (ADDICT) BECAUSE HE WON'T GO TO MEETINGS OR CHURCH OR ANYTHING SPIRITUAL.

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Ready For Change!

Hi,
I've come to this group after years of 'managing' on my own. I am a mum with three wonderful children and a job I mostly love in an amazing field (I teach children with special needs). I also pay for a house cleaner and a child minder whilst my 'partner' sleeps in late and basically does very little that is not related to maintenance of his dope habit. He works two nights to have extra cash - to pay for that. I've just taken on a second job to help pay all the extra costs above. I am at the end of the line. I am very sad and frustrated that it has all come to this. I am an enabler and I have to put up with a lot of negativity and criticism in return. Today is my birthday and I have promised myself I will address the situation above. 

On Monday we have an appointment with a psychiatrist.  My partner is not 'drug-dependant'. He is 'depressed'. That is the denial. He refuses treatment for the depression. It has been years and I want my life back. It is eating away at my own sanity now. I just pray for the strength with following through insisting that he leave Thank you for sharing your stories.

- Rose

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On The Road To Recovery

I only found out about you folks a few days ago. 

My twin sister and I have addictive personalities. The difference is that I recognised this some time ago. My only addiction has been cigarettes. I have LET GO and I wanted to share how it's been since letting go and what I have processed. 

K's addiction is morphine, pain tablets, speed, no-doze, V drinks, whatever the addict can lay its hands on. I have for some time separated her from the addiction. However it was becoming harder as the addict has become full time. The lies are so much more obvious - it's pathological. What I felt was anger toward our mum, (foster mum we grew up with since 2 1/2 yrs - we're now 37) that she has been supplying her with 'downers' so she can get to sleep! So I have discovered a huge co-dependency issue with mum - The need to be needed. She will give K money, lend her the car to drive the 40k's to the new doctor (she's doctor shopped a long time). You all know the story.

Anyway, what I wanted to write to you for was to just say last weekend, I made a decision to let go of my sister. Mum - I let go of a few months ago - over other issues which stemmed from K driving the wedge between us. Anyway, I was accused of not helping her (hidden words - not helping her addiction) in an abusive manner. I simply told her I would not tolerate abuse of any form from anyone, and clearly pointed out the help I had given her in the past. Oh no, conveniently that was forgotten, erased, to suit the huge frustration and 'need' for 'help'. I also told her the 'help' she needs I can not give her, that a professional is who she needs. Of course the anger is put 'out there' to me - the one who is closest to her, and in reality the anger is with her own denial of being an addict. I love her, and would help her at the time she is honest with me or at least acknowledges she is in need of attention regarding the substance abuse.

I have had to set boundaries. I have two young beautiful healthy children and a husband who has a mental illness - who is really well. We are living a positive healthy life. The mum we grew up with was always rescuing, so there were always people in her life with Dramas, and to be honest I'd had a gutful. The sad part about that is she doesn't see that. In phone conversations, she would always be talking the doom and gloom of others lives and 'I don't know what we are going to do' then be the one that is helping them out with money, drugs etc. Wasn't just my sister - in relation to money I mean. So she was feeding their 'issues' to satisfy her own co-dependency issue. As for my sister and her, they are their own worst enemies. 

I feel letting go has released me from frustration, anger, hurt and confusion. Because I can see from outside now a lot clearer the patterns that had been there for years. The sadness is there when I think of how bright and cheerful and humorous my sister was. The loss is great, because it is like there is a dual loss, the loss of who she was and who she could be. I don't mean that in a materialistic manner or job way, I simply mean the real person that she could be. 

I can not change others, I can change how I think about others and however hard it seemed at the time - to let go - (and that is only because I was scared to go out of that zone) it is worth it to me, my family and maybe it might be just enough to have my mum and sister think about their situations. If they don't, that's ok. I will always love them. I will write to them and let them know how I feel. I will not tell them what they should, ought and must do or have any of the 'you' confrontations in the letter. Just simply say how I feel and set boundaries around communication. (that I won't tolerate abuse). Because I felt angry and hurt, and stunned at the time, and of course my little guys sensed it, even though I was running on auto pilot - we all know kids pick up how we really are- as within as without. I do not want that in my life. 

Anyway, thanks for the site.

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Living with a Recovering Addict

I am lucky enough to live with a recovering addict, he has been clean 11 years and we have been together for 6 years so I never lived with him as an active addict. My x-husband was an active addict and for the 9 years I was with him I constantly 'enabled' him and believed I would help him change. He never changed and when I had finally had enough I left. When I met my current partner I so appreciated that fact that he had gotten clean on his own!

I HAVE NOW LEARNT THAT THIS IS REALLY THE ONLY WAY AN ADDICT CAN GET CLEAN, ALONG WITH THE HELP AND SUPPORT OF NA. HE OR SHE MUST REALLY WANT TO DO IT FOR THEMSELVES. You can't do it for them, and making their life easier only enables them to do it longer.

But living with an addict, even one in long term recovery has its challenges. We currently live along way from NA meetings and Nar-anon are even harder to get to, but we are hoping to change that soon as it is such a supporting fellowship. In the meantime we try and read our literature etc but I would be really interested to hear from other people who live with recovering addicts to share stories. I count my blessings when I read other Nar-anon members stories, and I wonder how on earth they manage, but are there other members not living with active addicts who like me find life is still a huge challenge? Or is it that I just really need to live the programme more and worry about the addict less....

I would be interested in some feedback, thanks.

Tamara.

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Courage to Change!

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. He was on speed when I first met him. He told me he wanted to get off all the drugs, (he also used pot and alcohol). He asked for my help . That's where I made my first mistake. For all those years it has been down hill. Every time B. wanted to go on a binge , he would cause an argument. Then he would disappear for days or weeks on end. I recall one time he was gone for 3 months, I ended up getting a call from a mental hospital, as that is where B ended up. Yes I took him back. Time and time again. He would still use the speed at home or his work place, all behind my back. Over the past 10 years B. has left some 50 times. At the time of writing this, B. has been gone for almost 4 weeks, not one word to me , not a phone call, nothing. I don't know if he is dead or alive.

I  am tired, tired of the lies, the deceit. I don't like the person I have become. I feel like I am a detective. He is the addict, I am the enabler. Will I take him back if he returns? I honestly don't know. What I do know is, that I can't do this by myself anymore. I Surrender. I am handing it over to a higher power. The one thing I have realised is that I have helped him to continue with his drug use. Now B. is on his own. He may choose to come back. I may choose to take him back, I honestly don't know. What I do know is, that I MUST let him take control of his own life. It is his choice to use drugs, just as it is my choice not to. 

Lynn.

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The Getting of Wisdom!

Hi. I am 37. I have had three addict boyfriends and my father was a prescription addict. I have realised that anyone not in recovery is not safe and not everyone in recovery is either. The effects of this disease are long lasting. The danger I subjected myself and my daughter to you would not believe. 8 years after the end of a relationship I am still dealing with the consequences financially after allowing myself to sign a contract effectively "ripping me off" for years. And I keep on loving him. Sometimes I even keep on laughing at his antics years later. My God what else can I do? I keep on thinking one day he'll come to me and say sorry and we'll all be friends. I am the insane one. It is my naivety and lack of willingness to admit my part in this that I must first admit the nature of this disease and secondly acknowledge that he will rip off his own child's soul in order for him not to feel and to keep using. I cannot control him or this powerful disease but I must learn about it, not forget about it and operate from that place at all times even when it all seems fine. But what if it is a child? Well that's a good question, but my sanity and wellbeing must come first otherwise I am no good for them and I am no good for me. I must remember that I am precious too. Just as much and that it is only by the Grace of God that they will get well from this. Just as I am. Thank you God.

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Help, please!

Hello, I am in a relationship with an active addict and we have a beautiful, wonderful two and a half year old child together. My partner went into rehab before our son was born, and when he came out quickly switched addictions from alcohol and cocaine to codeine. He also suffers from depression and takes anti-depressants. He is a great father in terms of playing with, and teaching our child - when it suits him.  Its been a struggle the last few years, but he keeps promising to quit, tries to, we have a wonderful time so it seems, communicating, being close, sharing stories of what our son did today, planning our future, and then the drug abuse starts again. I have reacted with anger at many times, but mostly (I think) with support, encouragement, attempts at understanding. During a recent "good time" my partner got a great job in the Pacific, I felt that we would undertake this big commitment together, it fit with our future plans, was good for his career.  We rented out our house and took our son away from his grandparents, everything he knows.

My partner came a month earlier --when we arrived I knew immediately that he was back on drugs. Its been a terrible month, I want to go home but the house is rented for a year, feel completely alone. He is so angry at me for no reason all the time, I have no one to talk to about it, and worry so much for my son --is it better to take him back to Melbourne winter, start new child care, rent a different house and take him away from the father he adores? He has just started to settle into his new house and routine. Do I put up with being treated like dirt, verbally abused and doing all the work around here --is that the best thing? 

I am desperate and alone and so frightened of making another seemingly irreversible choice and dragging my son along. Is there any Nar-anon online or someone who I can email just to stay sane? My partner says he has been off drugs now for 4 days, am not sure that I believe him, as always want to give the benefit of the doubt --but know that the abuse will start again and not far in the future.

S.

(my email address for anyone to reply sv29369@yahoo.com.au).

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Let go, let God

Hi,

I am a lesbian woman who has been in AA recovery for many years. A few years ago I met an addict in early recovery & we began a relationship. My new partner had been around recovery, detox & rehabs for decades but I believed she was ready to stop using. Her drug of choice was heroin & she managed to function at a high level whilst using. She was always been fully employed & had no criminal convictions. Her charming, clever & witty personality was very attractive & against my better judgement , I allowed myself to be seduced by her infatuation with me. My own isolation & avoidance of intimacy meant that people rarely got close to me but her persistence broke through that wall. The only bottom line I was capable of setting was "If you use, it's over."

However.....things got pretty messy long before she picked up.

Firstly, her sisters were her using buddies & she remained enmeshed with them.

Then, her commitment to recovery weakened & she avoided the fellowship.

Eventually, after one year, she picked up smack. In my gut, I wanted to leave because that was my boundary but I doubted myself & asked others in recovery. 3 older , sober members said "Give her another chance" so I did. Full of remorse, she returned & recommitted to her recovery. That was short lived & soon she was back with her sisters & avoiding meetings. I was angry & obsessed with her recovery & she must have felt very uncomfortable with me breathing down her neck. After another year, she relapsed again & confessed that she had been nibbling & dabbling during the relationship. $10K later, after a 2 month relapse, she returned to recovery. I don't see her any more & it's over a year since we broke up but I think about her every day. Sometimes it's with rage. Sometimes, it's with grief. I know it's over. That chronic relapsing lifestyle is not for me but I find I need to go deep within to see my part in the attachment to such a toxic relationship.

Basically, I avoid intimacy because I am afraid of being hurt. So, when someone arrived who appeared so needy, I thought that I'd never get hurt. How could someone who wanted me so desperately, hurt me? But their desperation was a warning. A warning that I could not trust them to be honest.

Today, I address MY fear of intimacy & MY co-dependency issues & try to heal that God shaped hole inside with the love of my Higher Power. I am fragile & I need to handle me with care. I forgive my ex & know she is a beautiful human being with a dreadful affliction = ADDICTION. 

But I am POWERLESS. I cannot save her. I cannot control her. I cannot cure her. She has a Higher Power too & I surrender her to the loving arms of God.

Today, I feel empowered by sharing my story & know that just for today, I can walk tall.

Thanks,
JJJJ

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The addict becomes the focus of the family...

Hi there.
 
My sister is a drug addict. She has ruined the lives of my parents (who have had to take over care of her 2 year old son), her sons life, my life. I constantly worry about my parents, they're in their 60's and are not coping well with the stresses of a toddler. I have 3 young children myself, so I can't take him for them. My sister just got kicked out of yet another rehab, she's 34 now, this has been going on for us for 17 years. I wish I had another sibling to share the load. we have no other family aside from, my mum my dad, my sister and myself. so I have to be the one that peps up my broken and sobbing parents, I cannot speak to them about anything that's happening in my life, because they are so stressed out, they freak out over the smallest things. I have to be very careful every time we talk. All we ever talk about is her and her son. I have lost them altogether emotionally, and most probably soon physically, they will no doubt have a heart attack/stroke, because at this point, my sister has broken them, and it's very very hard to watch. 

I'm trying to pick up the pieces, hold it altogether, at the same time trying to raise and take care of my own family, which includes a newborn child. My partner at the moment has a broken hand (a stupid decision involving a mechanical bull), so I have to cope with everything right now. Although he's quite supportive, I feel he does lack the ability to understand what this is like for me. I feel so alone, and I don't worry about my sister like I used to, I realised a long time ago that I have no control over her life, she makes her choices, I can't make them for her. I miss my sister. Its just very hard watching my parents cry. 

Thanks for this site. I needed a vent today.

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NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD *

I came into contact with the fellowship of Naranon over 4 years ago and what a blessing it has been. I will be eternally grateful to the members of Naranon; for without them showing me how the Twelve Step program worked I would have never be able to take back the control of my own life. We lived with active addiction for around 10yrs and it almost destroyed the bond of family life as I knew it. Thanks be to God, we found Naranon. No counsellors, no psychiatrists, no doctors with dead end streets; just people who were walking in the same shoes as we were. People who understood our pain; because our pain was the same as their pain. They didn't judge; they didn't tell us we had to do anything except "keep showing up to the meetings." It has been the best piece of advice i have ever listened too...and accepted. The members shared their strengths; their weaknesses; their hope; their stories. It took a few weeks before the clouds began to clear but i started to see the sky again. At first it was grey skies but eventually the sun began to lift its head; and life became worth living again. 4 years ago, if someone had told me life would be worth living again i would not have believed them. I started to change. That was the start of a new beginning. I have been down many different roads since then; roads to recovery. Recovery from blame; shame; guilt. Recovery of love, joy, peace, kindness, gentleness, patience and self-control. It has been a journey of self-discovery; of discovering a Higher Power whose love surpasses all understanding. It continues to be a journey I would not miss for the world!

*This heading was the choice of the contributor, and should not be taken to suggest that Nar-Anon advocates any particular religious belief.  Nar-Anon is a spiritual program which encompasses all, or no, religious beliefs, encouraging users of the program only to look to a "higher power" for strength, in whatever form this may take for the individual. 

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Nar-Anon meeting needed badly!

Hi,

I've had yet another sleepless night worrying about my 23 year old son, his drug habit, his debts (and our lack of money due to helping him), his lies. Well I think they are lies but I'm not always sure - I am so confused ?? I need someone to tell me if my husband and I are doing the right thing by helping him both physically and financially. He attempted suicide early this year and I'm quite sure he will succeed next time if we don't continue to help him. Then will it be our fault? I am going out today for lunch with some friends (Melbourne Cup). I don't really want to go because although my friends understand, I just don't feel like acting "happy" today. Soon my younger 2 children will be up getting ready for school and I have to act "normal". These feelings are eating me up inside. I would love to attend any meetings in Canberra or meet with someone with similar frustrations as myself. Thank you for letting me use this site. I actually feel slightly better already. 
-RO

Dear Ro,
You really need a meeting! We know of several other people in Canberra interested in a meeting (see the message board at the bottom of the Meetings List page).  If you would like to contact me via the feedback form on the Meetings List page with your contact details I will put you in touch with the others.  Of course we won't publish any of your details.
Dave (webmaster).

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Insight gained!

I went to my first meeting last week. After 10 years of dealing with my addict ( 24 yr old daughter ) I finally realised that everything I had done to try and help her was futile unless she wanted to help herself. Myself, and my parents have been stolen from, abused physically and verbally, i have recently kicked her out of my home as i couldn't stand her or her addiction anymore. I couldn't have a normal life as I never knew what she was going to be like from day to day. Pills are her drug of the moment but she has had heroin, methodone, ice, pot. I have had my house broken into while i was in bed and lost so many things to this addict who was once my beautiful and loving daughter. The sorrow and heartache i feel when i see her in this downward spiral had become to much for me to bear so i have cut myself off from her and am trying to salvage what's left of the happy person i once was. Going to the nar-anon meeting has already helped, just knowing there are people that understand what i've been through and are supportive of me is a blessing to me.

When you live with an addict, you slowly come to realize that everything that was once normal like having a social life, friends, just enjoying life in general is gradually taken away from you sometimes without realizing until it's too late. I once had lots of friends, now only a few, i once had a social life, now i mainly stay home. I'm lucky to have a supportive boyfriend and family. I love my addict, but i don't like her.

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Serenity please...

Hi, I'm the mother of a 26yr old addict. He has been one since he was 14yrs. He was and is a clever person can learn things very quickly and always seems to find a job with a good boss who at first forgives him his explosive ways. It doesn't last too long before he either quits or is asked to leave. No money - back home to mum. I've put him out of the house on numerous occasions, he's been in two long term rehabs. and finished with flying colours but as soon as he's left on his own he goes back to drugs. It has caused him to have a mental illness and needs prescription drugs for his violent outbursts. I have other children but they have long since given up on his and my problem. Sometimes the neighbours call the police because they can hear him shouting and smashing things. I'm afraid that he will kill himself or accidentally hurt me and end up in prison. I don't give him money and I have tried not to enable him. If he had somewhere else safe to go I would be so happy not to have this dreadful life style. I'm nearly 69yrs old and I feel I can't go on much longer. The problem is I still love him he is my son, and overlaying the crazy wild looking person that screams abuse at me I see the little boy who was so bright and happy and full of life. I want him to get better and lead a happy balanced life. My biggest fear is that he will hurt someone else either when he is driving his car or when he has one of his uncontrolled rages. I feel there should be compulsory custody for addicts until they get free of the drugs in their system and be able to make a sane decision what they want to do about the problems they have. Its a terrible illness and it seems that everyone is a loser. 
Mary

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The old story!

Hi.  Reading Mary's story today reminded me a lot of what happened to me. 

My son started drugging at about 13ys of age.  I wasn't too worried at first because I thought he was just experimenting with a bit of pot.  Later I found out that it was not just a bit of pot - it was a LOT of pot, and LSD, and magic mushrooms, and speed, and anything else he could get hold of.   As well, he had started drinking heavily when out with his friends.

At the same time he was endlessly listening to disturbing music that seemed incredibly violent and insulting to women.  I don't think it was just a case of the older generation not liking their kids' music - this stuff was performed by seriously disturbed individuals.  I found out later that one of my son's associates had started dabbling in satanism, and that my son had got involved in it as well.  Apparently they would get themselves well primed with alcohol and LSD, speed, or whatever was to hand, then try to invoke demons using rituals from a book.

I was unaware of most of what was going on.  It was amazing how skilful my son was at hiding his activities.  As far as I knew, he was a normal obnoxious teenage male who listened to music I didn't approve of.  However, his behaviour started to become quite eccentric and gradually more and more bizarre.  At first it was hard to tell whether this was just teenage moodiness, but eventually it became obvious that there was something seriously wrong.

My son was diagnosed with schizophrenia, complicated by drug and alcohol abuse.  His drugging and drinking made it hard to get a clear diagnosis, and greatly complicated his treatment.  I have always been dubious about his diagnosis.  I always suspected that if he stopped drinking and drugging, and generally lived in a healthy way (mentally and physically) his "mental illness" would disappear, or at least improve dramatically.

Along with the bizarre behaviour came a lot of shouting and verbal abuse.  This got worse as time went on, and started to turn physical, in the form of throwing and smashing things, then punching holes in walls, then kicking doors in.  My son absolutely refused to work, or do anything to help around the house.   He never attacked me physically, but there were times when he was angry at my refusal to give him money etc and gave me the "death stare" with his fists clenched, and I thought it would only be a matter of time before he did.

I managed to stop the stealing by threatening that the next time I found something missing I would immediately call in the police and would not hesitate to have him charged.  I stopped the suicide threats by immediately calling in the Mental Health Crisis team (which I think is the right thing to do anyway) whenever he made the threats.  However, my life was not worth living as it was - it was a living hell, and I could only see things getting worse. 

At that stage I had not found Nar-Anon, but I did start seeing a counsellor.  She told me that I could not help my son, in the sense that his needs were well beyond my skills and so I could not provide the kind of help he needed, and because as his parent, I was emotionally involved in the situation.  She also told me that I was in an abusive relationship with my son, and that my safety was at risk.  She said that abuse is always progressive - each time the abuser gets away with something he is emboldened to go further next time.  Insults become verbal abuse, verbal abuse becomes physical abuse and so on.  The counsellor told me there would have to be a separation between my son and me for both our sakes.  I could not accept that then, but at the same time I knew something had to be done. 

Fortunately I found Nar-Anon soon after that, and that is really when my recovery and my son's recovery started.  I came to accept that I couldn't fix my son's problems, and I gained the strength to make him leave my house.  We have both prospered since.  He has now stopped drinking completely and has greatly reduced his drugging. As his substance intake has gone down, his mental health has steadily improved.  Interestingly, as soon as he was no longer living in my house, the violence and abusive behaviour stopped.  It seems he only did it because he could.

My life is now worth living again, actually, it is great!  The lesson for me is that we are each responsible for our own life.  It is hard to detach yourself from your children and recognise that once they reach a certain stage, you have to let them make their own way in the world, for better or for worse.  It seems it is usually for better!  Tough one to accept!

- Len

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From Survival to Recovery

I have lived with addicts and addiction all my life. As a kid I lived in a house with an addict mother, a workaholic enabling father and two addict enabling grandparents. I am the oldest child and have 2 younger brothers and a younger sister. I have 3 kids to two dads and they were and are both addicts. My oldest child, at 15, has all the earmarks of a fledgling addict about to take off. Every intimate relationship I have had has been with an addict. I am 36 years old.

My journey in recovery started when I was 14 going to Alateen meetings with my recovering mum and her new recovering partner. It didn't mean that I didn't make the same mistakes, but it did mean that as I got better (and sometimes worse!) I made better choices and I became aware of how abnormal my family was and still is. I chose to get clean at 24. Addiction has bought me so much pain. I am addicted to the addict. How I would love to say that as a past tense. But living with addiction and the addict is a daily struggle. I have had to learn to let go and let God for my own survival and every part of me wants to hang in there. I can see the beautiful side of the person I love and just wish that the monster would step out of the way. I can't deal with the monster any more.

Nearly two years ago I separated from my addict husband who I met in the rooms of NA. He was 12 months clean and I was nearly 4. He said he really wanted to stay clean. I believed him. And clean, I fell completely in love with him after being single and celibate for 3 years. We got married and had a beautiful baby girl and he stopped going to meetings and eventually picked up again.

Over the next five years he lied, stole, hid, manipulated and blackmailed me because I let him. At first I was strong and had good boundaries and believed his promises but as time went on he had subtle ways of undermining me and blaming me. I believed I was responsible in some way for his irritable, restless and discontent condition. I didn't realise that he was using. He hid it so well and I trusted him. He seemed so detached when he pointed out my defects, so maybe he was right! He functions overly well on his drug of choice and work opportunities and big contract money led us to move interstate where his using intensified, unobserved by family and friends.

I agreed to move and uprooted my 3 children and left behind a strong network of close friends and fellowship. In my new area I went to meetings and met new friends and my husband worked insane hours. When he was at home he seemed to sleep a lot. I believed this was because of his work. I felt neglected but put this down to all the new conditions of moving and settling children into school etc.

After 4 months in our new home I discovered that he was using heavily. He crashed his new car and promised to do something about his addiction. He came to meetings and appeared to be trying. His struggle spilled out in a dramatic way. He became erratic and explosive. I went into damage control. We moved house and the kids went to a different school. It was a totally insane period of my life. The kids and I ended up in a refuge. We moved house again and I let him back in. He changed drugs and got another job. And all the time I was going slowly and increasingly insane. We fought and I started to have panic attacks and night terrors, something I hadn't experienced for ten years. And I hated myself. I hated my behaviour. I hated that I couldn't leave. Why couldn't I leave???? I had ten, fifteen years of working the program! I could do this. I was strong enough.

I went on holiday to visit my family and I found that I couldn't go home. As dysfunctional as they were, and are, they cared about me and loved me. The frying pan was better than the fire! Where had the stronger independent woman gone? So I stayed, for 5 months in my enmeshed family and finally got the courage to be independent and moved out into my own place. And when I did it was like the tidal wave of grief in my life from living with and trying to control, manipulate, save, coerce, love, comply, agree with, and change myself, to be accepted by the addict so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of abandonment and neglect of my life came crashing down on my life. It was like having my soul ripped out. The God-shaped hole became a swirling black, never-ceasing vortex. I was completely powerless and unprepared for how I was feeling. I could say that I don't know how I got through it, but I do know. Twelve years of living a day at a time in God's care and grace is how I got through and I learnt that in the rooms of 12-step fellowships. (There is no Nar-anon where I live).

My emotional rock bottom has taught me that I am the most important person. I thought that was totally conceited once. But now it has to be true. God is there for me but if I don't do the right thing for myself I fall into that black swirling vortex. I still want to please the addict so that they will love me. But you can't get mangos from a lemon tree! So I am learning to plant an orchard of mango trees. It has been hard work and I still stumble. I am working towards self acceptance and treating myself the way I have expected other people to treat me all my life. With love and care. If you want a beautiful tree that bears much good fruit you have to nurture it. I have learnt that a tree with good strong roots may be blown to bits but with time it comes back to life and often bears more fruit than it ever did. Today I believe that I am the best tree in the orchard, the most valuable, the one that can bear the most fruit because God is my gardener and the program my fertilizer and I am planted amongst other strong trees.

Thanks for sharing your stories and sharing your orchard.

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The Beat Goes On...

My son is a 28 year old addict. He was first an alcoholic. Now he longer drinks, but he has become a drug addict. He is now addicted to meth. I am at my wits end with his behavior. He has 2 duis, numerous charges of driving without a license, driving on a revoked license, etc. My mother and I recently helped him get his license reinstated. However, in order to drive legally, his car must have an interlock device for the first 6 months. It has only been 2 months and today I caught him driving. This has been going on for at least 10 years. I was actually stupid enough to think that he would wait to drive. He also recently lost his job due to a failed drug test. The reason he was even drug tested was because he spent 2 days in jail for driving on a revoked license.  I am so upset today that I just needed to share part of my story.

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The Grandmother's Dilemma:

I am the mother of a 38 yr. old drug taking, mentally ill woman.  Seven years ago, after 10 years of heavy use of marijuana and other drugs she became psychotic and ended up in hospital. It was at that point I found out that she was a drug user, I also found out that she worked in a brothel to support the habit. Because I live in another state and she was so uncommunicative with me, my family and I had no idea about her lifestyle. I immediately flew to her and enlisted family members to help her, even as far as getting her stepfather to buy a unit for her to live in [ at reduced rent], making her car payments ,and paying her traffic fines etc. I thought that by providing a nice place to live she would feel better about herself and change her life. How naive! During a psychotic episode she set fire to the place and gutted the building. She has been in and out of hospital and met a young man during one of her stays in the psychiatric ward. That was 3 yrs. ago and they now have a 2yr. old child. They are both diagnosed as schizophrenic and both still take drugs. Fortunately they live with the the young man's mother but she goes to work and the child is with them during the day. Nothing is getting any better and I am so worried about the child, what can I do? Does anyone have any suggestions, I don't want to have the child taken from them , but am so concerned for her welfare. 
Diane

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Addiction: an illness

Hi,

My brother has been an addict on and off for about 10 years. It is hard to deal with a problem you think has gone away but keeps coming back. I fear for him and his future. It's an illness nobody wants to understand or tolerate. If it was cancer people would understand and be supportive. 

However, most importantly my love for my brother is unconditional and I will remain by his side forever.

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The Mother's Dilemma

I am a wife and a mother of 3 young adults. One of them is a heroin addict. His name is B. and he is one month from his 28th birthday. There have been drug issues for about 14 years. I am having a really hard time trying to sort out what is going on now.

Back in the fall I was able to get my son civilly committed to a 30 day treatment center. He seemed to do okay but he was institutionalized and had no access to drugs. From there he went to a transitional holding center for further treatment and placement to a halfway house. He was so positive and was there about 3 weeks. Then as usual, temptation struck, someone brought in drugs and he used and got kicked out with 3 others that night. I had him go to an ER and to try to get into detox, he did, but was released in 3 days. He went to my mom's house, entered into a day treatment program and this was all so I could work on my husband to give him one more chance to come and live at home with us. B. finished treatment while at my moms. There were a couple of occasions that I suspected he was using, as did my mom. But I looked the other way thinking I will get him here at home with me and I'll work with him and watch him closely. He moved in with us against my husbands wishes. I just said he's coming. He was quiet, compliant, spent a lot of time on the computer, did find a decent job and was working really hard for about 3 weeks.

He was in contact with a girl (the one I suspected he may have done drugs with while at my mom's house even though he said "no not her she is in recovery is trying to get custody of her 2 year old and she wouldn't do that." It was his other friend Sean). I have a second job that takes me to another state a couple of days a month. So my husband and I went to MA and that girl took a bus up to our house. She brought some heroin. B. said he struggled with whether to use or not but then he did it anyways. I spoke on the phone with him that night and I could tell he was high. He denied it and I began to doubt myself as usual. Well the next evening I was a work and I got a call from B. who has had his license revoked and he had been arrested about 2 hours from home for driving without a license and driving under the influence of drugs. Apparently he had been reported to the state police by a few concerned motorists who observed him driving erratically down the highway. When I got to the police station he was so messed up, and had fresh track marks on his left arm and looked as though he had been beat up. I couldn't bail him out, my husband wouldn't let me.

So now he is in jail for the next three weeks, has lost the job he was doing so well at and I feel so guilty I can barely live with myself. My husband said he blew his chance and he is done with him. I think that the road to recovery is tough and there will be occasional slip ups. Am I being foolish? Of course B. is on the phone with me daily telling me how sorry he is and how can I turn him away now when he needs me the most and wants sobriety so bad. I am so torn. He makes statements like "Mom if you don't let me live with you then I am just going to go on a run, or maybe I will slit my wrist in the shower."  I know he feels desperate. I just want to drop off, go away and let them all fend for themselves. I want him to look into long term treatment he says he just needs to come home, work and go to meetings. I really think he has the best of intentions, but the moment the opportunity arises, unless I babysit him 24 hours a day he will succumb once again.

Help!

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A Day At A Time:

Hello,

I live in a city of Mexico.  In our family we have to accept that we have our young brother with drug addiction for sure.  I don't know to which ones or how he interacts with the drugs, the only thing that I care about is that he is my brother.  We started to attend a group of NARANON here in our city,  and after 3 months had passed, my mother decided, or should I better say, she found the courage, to do something to help him 'cause she was trying to think that everything was fine (until we started to put pressure on her back and she decided to attend  the group). Now for the past four years we keep attending our meeting and my brother is still with his program for his future and ours.

Today we gladly can say this happiness is for just for today.  Tomorrow only our superior power may know.
And I will tell you what we always say at the end of our meeting: "Keep coming - it works!!"

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Let Go, Let God:

All I know is that this SUCKS. I’m heartbroken and can’t help but blame my self. I picked him. I knew something was wrong with my husband from the beginning But I thought my love would heal him. I still married him. I still allowed my children to fall in love with him and then I got pregnant. 

Now after 3 years of craziness, I asked him to leave. I found out he was using meth about 9 months ago. But I had no idea how often. I believed his lies. He told me he only used maybe once per month. It was more like a 2 day binge ever week. He blamed all of our problems over the last 3 years on me. It turns out he was using meth years before he meet me and never stopped. I could tell endless horror stories of what I experienced because of his drug use. 

I asked him to stopped and tried to get him to commit to a recovery program. Finally, he said my ultimatum would only cause him to hate me. He never even tried he just lied even more and cause more damage to our family.

Yesterday, I had my ultrasound and saw our baby for the first time. We are having a boy. My husband was not there. But my two little boys ages 7 and 9 were. I know I can not control what my husband does. I can not control his addiction. I know that it is my God given responsibility to take care of my children. I will provide the best home I can.

I hope the Lord will forgive me for making such a bad choice in a husband and for letting my children experience the life of an addict. I am so sorry. Pray for me.

HB

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